Dear Facebook Friends;
It is time for me to go, though I don’t want to sound melodramatic about it. I would like to correspond with many of you, but I have come to the realization we are not actually communicating with each other. This short-form web media to which so many of us have become accustomed—let’s face it, addicted—does not exist for the sake of our connections to each other. It is constructed to be a marketplace and we are the commodities.
I was an early adopter of internet social networking starting with Friendster in 2002. MySpace happened around ‘04 or ‘05 and by the time of the great financial meltdown of ‘08 everyone who had been on MySpace had migrated to Facebook. We liked its minimalist approach; compared to the cluttered cesspool of spam that was MySpace, Facebook was clean and simple. Most important was its PRIVACY. At that time you knew, without a doubt, that not a single person could see your profile, pictures, and updates if you didn’t want them to. (There was the “Beacon” fiasco but Zuckerberg quickly retracted it and apologized.) To this day I maintain the reason Facebook superseded MySpace was its superior privacy.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Then suddenly everyone else started using Facebook too. To our sometimes pleasant surprise and other times tense chagrin, old classmates, bosses, long lost friends, moms, ex lovers, and the biggest anti-contemporary-culture curmudgeons we knew were assimilated into the hive-mind of Facebook. We started to see the world through the lens Facebook created for us. Then we started to see ourselves through its format as well: collections of consumer tastes. We could no longer have a simple write-up about ourselves; our profiles became an assortment of links to movies and music and shows we could “Like” and display, like coded merit badges. To “Like” something became a part of our lexicon.
Every few months, Facebook changed. Sometimes the changes would be merely cosmetic; sometimes the format would shift and morph and evolve into something else entirely. Every time this happened I thought, “This isn’t what I signed up for,” but I got used to it and continued. Despite upsurges of indignation from time to time, we kept coming back. The biggest problem was that the privacy settings were also subject to dramatic shifts and morphs and evolutions. The very nature of what would be public vs. private became an algorithm too obtuse for the most savvy of web users and IF you thought you had it figured it out…it would change again.
Now there are major changes on the close horizon. Perhaps the biggest overhaul yet. Zuckerberg is positioning Facebook to be an internet hub, really THE internet hub; he wants it to be what AOL was in the ’90s, only exponentially bigger and more sophisticated. And unstoppable. Facebook wants to know where you are, what you are doing, and when; the best means of achieving such omnipotence is to make itself a conduit through which you consume media, connect with friends, find events and places to go, etc. They just announced deals with Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, and others to make Facebook the path of least resistance to using these popular services. Now, every guilty-pleasure movie I watch will be broadcast to all my friends (yes I watched “Superman III” and I know it’s terrible but I was just curious and I only saw part of it on HBO as a kid and I turned it off after forty-five minutes please don’t judge me) and likewise I now know what my friends are doing. (Nickelback?! I thought you were cool, man.)
If I were confident that I could just turn off all the settings that do this, it would be one thing, but I’m not. Even if it seems to be the case now, I have no reason to trust that it won’t change over time. Again, Facebook is the market, we are the commodities; as products we have less and less control over what shelf we sit on and what label we wear. I am certain that the Facebook of late 2011, had it emerged this way from the start, would have never become the de facto home page of most computer users. This is why I am quitting Facebook, but it is bigger than that.
There is little room for true expression on Facebook, because we are constrained within a certain format that keeps narrowing all the time. Facebook (and other social media) design and redesign this format for a better user experience, but remember, the users they have in mind are marketers. It’s great that you posted that insightful article from The Guardian, but what do you really think? Great ideas and perspectives cannot be conveyed in a comment, nor in a “Like,” obviously. I maintain that any thought worth thinking, any idea worth expressing, any dialogue worth having has to be more than 140 characters.
Moreover, expressions are not worth much if we cannot actually spend time with them; the steady stream of posts, likes, and events re-wire our brains to prefer the short, quick, and easy. Just like pure sugar, once we’ve had a big dose and the insulin wears off we’re hungrier than ever, only we desire real nutrition even less. Often, with my stressful job, I think I don’t have the mental energy for anything more that a stream of simple bits of input, but I do. Anything worth doing takes time; instant gratification leads to emptiness or, worse, pain.
This is my call: Make it longer. Read more books, essays, poems; write more; watch challenging movies and plays; have lengthy discussions with wise friends; learn an instrument or how to take a quality photograph; go for long walks (or runs or bike rides etc.) and spend time with your own mind without distractions. Spend time with difficult ideas, let them develop in your mind, take the time to articulate them in your own words. Fingerpaint. Whatever! Embrace the long-form in every way possible. We are more than status updates.
We can do it, but we need each other. Please, encourage and challenge me, and I will do the same in return. Who’s with me?
All power to the long-form!

I be with you man. and way to lead on the thoughtful (and not overly-long form). #facebook #thatsucks #pleasestopsellingme #goodlife #yahoosucks
I’m still on Facebook (I feel like it’s basically the white pages) and have felt comfortable with that decision because my motto from day 1 of the Internet was to not put anything on it that I wouldn’t mind the whole world knowing. I thought I was safe because I didn’t upload any questionable photos or status updates, period, regardless of “privacy settings.” But the more Facebook takes over, the more upsetting it is to see that even my precautions aren’t necessarily helpful. I’ve never enabled anything automatic on FB but the more it becomes a part of our lives, the less I’ve realized how automatic things are–my aunt knows I went to a party last weekend because I accepted the invite; my face is tagged on a photo of a glorious evening with dear friends that I’d thought was private. Because I’m a blogger I don’t wish to block all social networking, but that lands us in an uncomfortable space. Glad to see you exploring here.
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I added your post to my collection! http://digitalresearchers.org/2010/05/leaving-facebook-a-compendium-of-reasons.html
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Well said. For me, Facebook has become a huge chat-room; except I know the true identity of its inhabitants.
This chat-room needs a moderator. Oh wait, that’s me.
Beautiful. Thank you for expressing my thoughts exactly. I permanently left (after several false starts) a few days ago and feel the great white weight of the western world has fallen off of my shoulders. I was using it a lot (on the excuse/crutch) of promoting my literary magazine, but found that while it’s in submission status I can let the networking bit rest on the weight of the co-editor. I also made my blog private, and have gone back to communicating with a core of people that I know very well by phone and email and in person. A life change in three days. So much time on my hands now to do better work, to take the recycling to the center, to finish cleaning a room, to paint a picture, to rake the leaves, to walk the dog and ride bikes with my son, to have sex with my husband. I feel like I’ve taken my life back, isn’t that sad?
Sad? No, all that sounds great to me! Congratulations.
ditto.. congrats
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Brian, I love your title!
Also, the ‘lens of facebook’ is an interesting concept – one that I was sucked into a couple of years ago when I always racing to have the best tweets with the best status messages. It’s an endless battle.
And I am so glad you see the facebook:AOL analogy … totally.
It seems like you are hitting on two ideas I have had in the past: the ‘consumerism/capitalistic’ nature of sites like facebook that turn us into machines that actually help build their bigger machine, and the ‘fitting someone into a box’ idea. Neither is necessarily evil; I mean without the former concept, religion and charitable societies like the Red Cross would never survive. I think it has a lot to do with motivation – and it ‘seems’ like facebook is going super commercial, something we seem to have a problem with. The square peg / round hole problem however is … how should I say this … fundamental to the idea of just about anything on the web – fundamental to communication in general I believe. You say you do not want to be ‘conformed’ to concepts that Facebook puts out there (the ‘Like’) and 140 characters is not enough to express yourself – but that is also exactly why you said you liked facebook over the ghetto that is MySpace right? Remember that whole pimp my MySpace garbage with clashing color choices and epileptic animated gifs? That was true expression right? I was just reading about pinterest’s design – and they use a ‘grid’ … is that ‘restrictive’?
What I think you are getting, if I understand you correctly Brian, is that you are frustrated with what seems like anyone trying to control you – or that you are unable to control yourself. That is why I left facebook – it’s a nice tool – but I am terrible at managing my time around it. I think I’ll pingback your blog on my own wordpress article of the same topic … this is good connecting the dots between us.
And yes … you should interact with people more. Hopefully I will take up your challenge, and do some long form writing myself for an article that just so steals/borrows your title. Thanks Brian.
Thanks! And steal away!
dear blogger,
yes, i agree that we are more than status updates. i deleted my account last night and will probably blog about my reasons soon.
I think to define a human being’s personality as a set of likes is pretty much the psychological truth. At the very basic level, we are exactly what we gravitate towards, and what we are repelled by. Even when we create something, we draw from this pool of likes and dislikes. So, in that sense, Facebook has made it immensely easier for me (and a few million others) to know each other.
This isn’t the dark ages where human beings can’t know each other. Well, perhaps we still can’t, but we definitely know each other better now. If all that offers is a collective picture of how stupid Humanity is as a mob, well, that is only because we really are stupid as a collective.
And in my honest opinion, the new Facebook is awesome. If you want your privacy, you can have it. If you can’t navigate Facebook well enough to manage this, well maybe you are better off leaving, yes.
It’s the death of conversation that is getting to me. to know so much about a persons life required several long conversations.it meant that you had been through something together, sharing things. that is how one used to define their friends.
now our friends are anyone that we shook a hand with, and they can see most of your life on your wall in 15 minutes.
i
I feel it is more like advertizing yourself. It is not a bad thing, considering many people are getting their fair share of limelight instantly. But sticking to the “right-here, right-now” culture of Facebook diminishes one’s dedication to pursue something. We can realize this only when this “living in the moment” syndrome abates, and the easiest way to achieve that would be to step out of Facebook, even if it is only to step in again after sometime with lesser fervor.
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Nice one
Outstanding. Fantastic post.
Yes we are more than status update but we are just a number
i agree with everything you say in your post i quit fb 7 month ago i feel happy and i enjoy life not fake ideas for life.Go on people enjoy the nature, enjoy the love, enjoy …
The band Boston wrote a very wise song once called “Don’t Look Back.” After quitting Facebook I can now only look forward and a type of subtle joy has been permeating me because of it. I find that I now constantly think of the people on Facebook who have current relevance to my life and have been writing emails to them. I hadn’t done anything but “comment” to my facebook friends in years. Now my old, old friends, ones who I never talked to even though we were Facebook friends may now reconnect on a real basis at my choosing. I can find them if I want to and when i do they will know that I care, that it isn’t just an easy shot back to them along with their 500 other “friends.” I currently have a short story about my feelings about Facebook on my blog at fargokantrowitz.com.
I am with you. I deactivated my Facebook before a month or so,and I am very happy about it. I wanted to get back my real life and I think I did. Yet to become strong about my decision,but this is a inspiring and strong post. Thank You !
I deleted my Facebook account and then I came across this blog. The same reasons as you but also I don’t need Facebook to boost my ego or see who reacts to my postings. I often would find that people would post pics of their meals, wise adages or some political comment. As for privacy, Facebook is not all that private. I have come across websites where they took pics of people I knew and posted them with lines “Isn’t he Hot?!?!”
No more Facebook for me. I rather hit the gym and read a good book!
I just deleted my FB account today. Before I did, I sent a short message out to all my FB friends which said that they should now keep in touch with me through email. To my disbelief, I got 4 instant replies within 10 seconds of clicking send, which were “yyyy,” “why,” “I,” and “okaiiii, tc.” I don’t know what the “I” was supposed to mean, and within 15 seconds, I got the update that another person “had left the conversation.” I messaged only 108 people. What are the chances that 5 people were checking their FB inbox right at the instant I was sending the message? 5 folks reading my message within 15 seconds of sending it is alarming. These folks must be glued to their FB account. Getting their replies instantaneously kind of shook me up a bit, and I felt I was doing the right thing after all leaving this strange world behind.
I made the decision yesterday to leave FB. If you ask me why, I can’t give you a nice succinct answer that a one word email like “why” demands. I’m not entirely sure why, but somewhere in my subconscious I do know why. I would just have to sit down and spend some time writing it out to articulate it for myself. Something about it made me uncomfortable. Among other things, I was uncomfortable about two major things in particular. Firstly, I felt completely disconnected with these friends of mine who I’m supposed to feel more connected with. And, the second point of discomfort is a little difficult to explain for me–I think you explained it well in your article–the point about not being able to grow intellectually, and being confined by FB’s provided formats. I’m sure that if I invested the same amount of time on another space online, or in my life offline, there would be much more opportunities for growth and satisfaction.
Receiving those “why” questions just before deleting left me thinking about why and why not. So, I decided to look up what folks are saying about their FB-free lifestyles. So far, what I’m finding is positive and encouraging. Thanks for your thoughtful article. I love this proposition of returning to the long form. We could be so much more than status updates without FB.
I’ve also deleted my FB… I thought for a while that I’d be missing opportunities to get to know other people better, but you reminded me something very important: we aren’t ourselves on facebook!
Facebook is the first matrix. It’s easier to live there but it isn’t real.
I deleted my FB account almost two years ago. It was hard at first, but honestly, it’s a time waster and I have other things to do. Also. it’s not just my privacy, but my husband and kids’ as well. Whenever, someone posts photos of potientally embarassing things about a child or family member without asking them, it’s an invasion of their privacy without their permission. By the time I santizied my life to the point I never invaded my dh’s or kids’ privacy, I only ended up talking about house cleaning anyway. Boring to do, probably ever more boring to read about.
I never had an FB account but friends in my dance community talked me into it. At first it was useful to keep abreast of events and goings on in the dance world. I found however that FB started to become intrusive into my life, or should I say people started to become intrusive through FB. One day I got home to find that a ‘friend’ had ‘checked me in’ at a bar I was at without my express consent. A nice little message was sent to all my friends saying “Chris is at …” I am a private person and I like to maintain my privacy. I was unhappy. I deleted my account several years ago and haven’t missed it.
Interestingly I met a girl recently. She asked for my FB page and when I told her I didnt have one, she didnt believe me. Then when I convinced her it was true she said I must have something to hide. She isnt the only one to say this. Funny how privacy used to be the default right we all expected, yet now not broadcasting your life to the world is seen as suspicious.
I wonder what will happen when the GEN-Y kids are policy makers. How long before not having FB will prevent you from buying products, accessing government services, applying for jobs, getting health insurance, … being presumed innocent?
FB is evil, and it must be stopped in any way possible.
Facebook certainly sets a number of worrying trends. Since leaving the country on an Erasmus program, I have used it much more frequently to stay in touch, sort of like the new MSN. I have never liked a product, or a group, or signed up to any apps etc etc. But as you say, it is likely at some point that this will become mandatory, and facebook will track and publish your actions whether you want it to or not. Until this happens it’s a useful tool for me; but ideologically I am firmly against the most prevalent forms of its use.
Some people say that Facebook is indispensable, but I do most of my online conversation through instant messenging or e-mailing. I’m experimenting how life really feels without Facebook (I deactivated my account), I probably won’t lose much.
Fortunately I don’t live in a place full of nutjobs who believe too much into Facebook. The service is still used mostly to share photos, post online jokes from 9gag or newspaper articles. For actual talking we still use the phone or Messenger.
Reblogged this on Tommy Surreal and commented:
Could not have put this better myself.
Brian, your masterfully composed blog post has lifted my spirits. I canceled my Facebook account today after very careful consideration and immediately felt isolated from a world I used to know. I wasn’t a super-user by any means; in fact, the status quo of 600+ friends greatly overshadowed my humble 150. Nevertheless I felt afraid that people wouldn’t “get” why I chose not to indulge in Facebook. I was afraid, yet so tired of the meticulously manufactured profile pages friends and family alike had assembled… It was as if self expression had boiled down to a series of “likes” or how many friends and photo’s you’ve acquired. This rat-race mindset takes “keeping up with the Jones’” to a whole new level, and I was exhausted at the notion of keeping pace.
I don’t plan on going back, and your post has made me feel content — hell, proud even — to say “I don’t do that Facebook stuff.” Thanks for taking the time to articulate what so many of us have been afraid to say.
Thank you. You sum up my concerns and thoughts on the matter better than I feel I could myself. I’ve been weighing up both sides of the Facebook coin for a while now, but with their most recent changes, it really is time to act. Privacy concerns are the driving force behind my decision this time. I could put my account in a state of lock down but know that if any friend uses an app, my data will be shared with that app automatically. This doesn’t sit well with me. I have changed my settings, but Facebook will always be one step ahead of the game. It is going to be hard, many of my friends only use Facebook these days and it will be difficult to transition (back?) to the alternative of email and phonecalls, but I feel it will be worth it. Fewer friends and conversations, but those I do have will be with my closest friends, they will be longer, and they will be more meaningful. Thank you for your words and thoughts. You have helped me feel more certain in my decision.
Brian, thanks for that post. I’m from the generation that more or less invented IT, was doing instant messages and email in the 1970s/80s and really appreciate what this has done for our world. BUT………….
Facebook and it’s ilk have gone too far – we have sleep-walked into a totally monitored society – and it has to stop. Privacy, individuality and lack of pepetual fragmented attention MATTER and are too valuable to give away.
Whilst I’ve hardly used my account, I’m now off to delete it!
Just deactivated! Definitely feels liberating, I figured out I don’t want to be a politician – and fb brought that into focus with its mandatory exit questionnaire. And all the great blogs and sites these search terms lead to (my fav is the The Bygone Bureau)! Instead of relegated to looking at pics of babies being popped out. It does feel a tad uncommitted, the instantaneous email containing animation cues, but something tells me I’ll be alright with these new curiosity leads. So much more time!
And while I command the floor for another line, damn it’s nice writing anonymously! And to treat this space with such care and spontaneity, without concern that personas from a bygone age will smirk and “Like”. Of course, I am projecting onto a list of well-intentioned, aging, opinionated, food-eaters – but I can’t be bothered!
I do feel a little anxiety about leaving my mom, who takes such delight in the fb universe, my girlfriends from back in the day, and the tensions it may bring between me and this guy I’m dating – but exploring frontiers, psychological and oceanic, tell us something vital, no?
I’m reading books by Stephen Baxter right now, Manifold Time and Manifold Space – and it shames me to say this, but I’d forgotten how to read for pleasure. Fb is not the guilty party entire, but certainly played a role. Baxter’s writing also reminded me of the galaxies out there, warping and spinning, compelling your interest in metals, gravity, and gritty survival- and I don’t want to siphon time away through the spinning of the mouse’s wheel. Haha, is there a Death Star made of fb posts?
Is this a write-off of friendships, however long or fleeting? I think we’re a bit beyond that.
I am brand new here- I love to write and maybe I will start blogging. Ive been online since the mid 90s when you talked more to strangers than folks you knew. I did chat rooms, message boards at a time it was rare to get email from someone you actually knew. I enjoyed the anonymity of the web at the time- it was exciting. Then the web became a cesspool when AOL made it easy for everyone to join in. By 99 I expected AOL to disappear- surely the smarter people would help others realize what AOL was doing to the web and its users? Moving on … Myspace- yep- then over to FB. I remember telling someone that FB is so much cleaner and better. The race to have the ‘best looking’ space was a pissing contest I hated anyway and would never change all that crap. At first people disagreed with me- Id guess the same attention seekers that constantly checked to see how many Page Visits theyve had so far- remember that silly feature?? You didnt know who looked- but my friends were sure they knew who it was- and that was a feature that made me uncomfortable with my own friends.
After all that I finally say- FB is 10x worse than any of these other sites that try to conform us to help themselves or whatever their ultimate goal is.
To pick up where I left off in the first paragraph- FB makes me uncomfortable with my own friends. A friend of mine posted pics of her man and her out to dinner and later at a concert. Was the time with him not fun enough that you have to include all your “other friends”? I dont get that-( the smart phone is a whole other blog- another useless product for probably 85% of its users) YOU”RE OUT- BE out! Enjoy dinner without posting it- enjoy the show without dipping your nose into your phone to make sure the rest of us know how fab you are while out mid week. Check ins- why do you think I care you’re getting your nails done?! Makes me mad and I dont even understand why – Im being honest.
I accept that my problems with my friends and how they use FB is MY problem- not theirs. Its why *I* left FB- it was making me hate everyone and how they behaved. Some need too much attention- some think we care about the craziest stuff- (redesigning your bedroom is personal- isnt it?) Some put up cryptic statuses that make me want to call the police (“Its over- Im done trying- Im sure this can continue without me- they will be better off) then she says- shes quitting her side job -oy vey. I thought she was suicidal.
Another friend-single- not by choice- gets sad when she sees other people going out on the town with their husbands. Again these are personal moments- why are they being posted as they happen?
Even wedding pics are taken at the event – and shared weeks later- and Id guess a wedding trumps a concert any day of the week.
I thought I was having fun going on vacation- and then posting a few pics from my camera a few days after getting home- but I found myself checking for responses. I dont believe anyone who says they dont check for validation – which is what it is. Am I cool since I went to Key West? (I must be -7 ppl liked my album) Am I pretty in this pic (must be- 3 comments saying Im sexy) Do I post enough about my kids? If not Im a self centered jerk. Too much? Also annoying. And thats how I feel about myself and others. So Im done.
So curious about life after FB I “googled” just that and found your blog. Sorry I basically just blogged on your blog- but it felt good to get it out among people that are in the process or have already quit FB.
Thank You,
Fly.
so well put. I miss the old days of the Internet, before the “do anything to be cool” followers got involved. social networking ruined everything. I used to love my business, being a registrar and host. now I can’t wait to sell the business, blow up my computer, and go back to using a solar calculator as the most high tech device I own.